PoeTry

Poem For The Day of Shabbat ~ by Jay

2011-01-22T19:01:00.001-08:00

(written in response to the rabbi's d'var torah)
Aleph

Beginning

Silent moment

of infinite possibility

All that is, all that could be

Waits within the word, to be created

In breath, in breadth, in the depth of the future.

Sometimes it's easier to look for Mr. Right now, than to wait for the real thing

2010-10-27T18:59:00.000-07:00

If thou must love me, let it be
For escape's sake only. Say
"I love her for her thighs her looks her way
Of speaking softly, for an empty thought
Exactly like mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day"
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or will change for thee, and love, so wrought,
Must be regularly wrought so. Either love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,
A creature must weep to bear
Thy comfort long, and keep thy love thereby!
Yes, love me for lust's sake, that evermore
I may'st work on, gaining love's eternity.

Backwards:

2010-10-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

Or,
An Excruciatingly Short Traditional Japanese Verse of Counted Syllables and Mediations on Nature, Written in Tribute to the Month between March and May

A pair of mouths. I drop my nakedness,
not cold enough, pockets all over me,
and my foot pushed against you. Also stillness.

I'm not bitter.

2010-10-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

I'll never miss your touch, the smirk on your face and the sound of your voice so obnoxious

I love as the day begins, to lie in another's arms, to kiss them and to feel your heart break

I'd love to choke you in my arms as you wheeze so violently and disturbed
And I'd love to stop your heart beat also

To see you in the night, in the light of the moon for you are so pathetic
Your pain, your anger, your lies, your regret fills my heart so full

My one desire is to hate you so much that you never have doubt
The hate that I feel for you is so overpowering that at times I want to shout

I want to shout out that I hate you and I resent you
I want the world to forget and I want you to forget me also

Together we have stood for each other
I will never love you and only another

Please know that I hate you for all that you are not and all that you take
I promise to hate you, drop you, and forget you for as long as you live

The Divorce Papers

2010-10-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

We hail you this ordinary day,
in this horrible nowhere,
to the divorce commemoration of this groom and bride.
Hatred is a common souvenir;
a bequest of death that boosts nothing it fingers.
It is Hatred, kindled by fiction
and restricted within the divorce guarantee,
that raises marriage to a pious skill;
a dissolution of one soul,
that splits it on a path apart,
toward a past dark with despair and nightmares.

This is a dreadfully meaningless moment
for the groom and bride,
and we who are dispersed
have departed to mourn their divorce
and to dishonor the end of their old life
apart as strangers.

Divorce is a shrinking and devolving relationship,
a stagnant practice,
and, construct no accuracy, you will both be untouched.
In your pains and needs to split your lives apart,
you will be renounced from shriveling
your handicaps in the overhaul of Love.
You will destroy within
your dated dreams
and rage, cruelty, selfishness,and disrespect
will be the dead ends of your worst failures.

Divorce is loathing in one direction.
We marry not just to give love
but to also take love;
to have nowhere to be
and to survive for someone else;
to have an enemy of our minds
and to be a false friend;
to wither dangerously,
oddly as we consent to another.

In divorce, we lose.
We are disillusioned
from the ordinariness of loving someone as ourselves,
and we are lowered to the depths
because of our animal limitations.
Divorce is a theft
and is not intended to be new, stupid, or poor.

Embrace the hatred with which you separate minds and hands.
Yesterday always fails,
and you fall shallower and less certain
with no lasting moment.
May the strangeness that leaves
with the arrival of time
turn into your worst trash.

This Week's Assignment.

2010-10-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

So we're not taking walks. Poets are too pretty for walks. I take a lot of walks, but I can't remember to bring paper. Whatever, Bernadette Mayer.

Let's do something different.

This week's assignment is to write a thesaurus poem. Find a poem (or other piece of writing) written by someone else (or by yourself, if you'd like). Use a thesaurus to change all the words...

You might change words to their synonyms for interesting effects, or change them to their antonyms. When I got divorced, I wrote a poem like this using the marriage ceremony the minister had written for us...I changed crucial words to antonyms and called it "The Divorce Papers," and it rocked. Maybe I'll find it and post it for an example...

Shabbat Amidah

2010-10-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

It is traditional to take three steps forward and bow before beginning the silent Amidah.

Women's Ward, 1929
(Ancestors)

My grandfather sits in the photo on my desk in his
White jacket with one button undone. He has all his hair.
His mustache is trimmed as I remember but an unfamiliar dark color
He sits on the edge of the bed, almost in the shadows.

At the center of the picture is a young woman,
Startling in her resemblance to my oldest friend, born 30 years later.
They are both smiling, and the nurse
Hovers in the background, adding a note of propriety.

Blessed are you, God of our ancestors, who acted as the strength of Abraham and the shield of Sarah.

Wyoming Night, 1982
(Divine Power)

In your arms I first saw a shooting star
Power of God in the western sky.
So bright I hid my eyes against your chest.

So bright, our love that night, that I imagined
Everyone could see through the thin fabric of the tent.
Awesome and terrifying, the power of God.

Awesome and terrifying, next morning,
As we packed up camp and I turned away
From the light of the star, from the joining,
From the comfort of your arms.

Blessed are you, Sovereign of the Universe, who gives and renews life.

Bed 9, ICU, 1987
(Hallowing God's Name)

She waits.
The noise of the ventilator whooshes the air
In and out. The monitor
Beeps its message of alarm - blood pressure! oxygenation!
Her children murmur.
Please, they asked. We understand
But our sisters are missionaries - in Africa, in Siberia - And we need them here. Please. And so we continue.
Whooshing and beeping, clicking and humming,
The bed groans as it rises and falls
With the height of today's nurse.

And then I can't hear the whooshing and beeping
And humming and groaning
And murmuring and clicking, but instead
I hear singing. Her children, come home from their calling,
Stand in a circle around her bed and sing.
They fill the space with harmony, with joy, with love
For their God, for their mother, for each other.

And she is lifted up.

Holy are you, and awe-inspiring is your name, and there is no God apart from you. Blessed are you, Eternal One, who creates holiness.

Saturday Morning, 2007
(The Day's Holiness)

Quickly, while my mother is upstairs, I pile the newspapers,
move the as-yet-uncarved pumpkin to the other counter
and race through the dishes.

Our ballerina is warming at the barre, bending her head with neat bun
over her knee in line with all the other girls, but to my eye
more graceful. Her father
is at shul, I am praying.

We will have a lost Saturday, giving up
our routine to honor the visiting grandmother, forgoing
our chores because it's hard for her,
after 52 years,
after a life,
to spend a weekend alone, to look at the chair
in the kitchen, the cover over the pool,
the porch furniture under its tarp,
and not think of him dying on the driveway.

It is her gift to us today, an excuse
To skip the grocery store
Ignore the bills
Dodge the committee planning
Go outside into the autumn
And perhaps,
over lunch or ice cream or while we walk the dog,
to lay ourselves to rest.

Blessed are you, Sacred One, source of the holiness of Shabbat.

Alto Section, 1976
(Worship)

Blend! he shouts, and we stop mid-phrase.
I look at my feet, quite sure that I'm the one
ruining the sound, the voice that sticks out, too loud,
too flat, too something.

Listen to each other - softer, now, not shouting,
exasperation still evident in every syllable.
Listen. He raises his arms, nods to the piano, and we begin again,
measure 24, the sevenfold Amen.

Listen. I open my ears to the sounds behind me, and open my mouth
but I do not hear my own voice. Blend. And we do,
and each of us is in the music and the music is in each of us,
and there is harmony, and for the first time in my life,
transcendence.

Blessed are you, The Faithful One, who brings your presence home to Zion.

Hospice, 2010
(Thanks)

I know everyone says this, don't they?
Everyone says you all are angels.
But I mean it, I really do.

Last night the nurse came in.
It was dark, I couldn't make out her face;
she thought I was asleep.

She came over to the bed
and bent down.
I saw her touch Mom's face, just for a moment,
and I could tell how much she cared.

An angel, I tell you,
like all the rest of you.
Brought here by God because we needed you.
I never knew this place was here.
I must have driven by a hundred times.
From now on, every time I'm near,
I'll offer a prayer of thanks.

Blessed are you, The Gracious One, whose name is good, to whom all thanks are due.

Bedtime, 2004
(Blessing for Peace)

Mama, what is war?
War is a fight between countries or groups of people.
Is it bad?
Yes, it is. People are killed and hurt in war, and it doesn't really solve anything.
So why do we have war?
I wish I knew for sure, sweetie. We have wars, I think, because we haven't come up with a better way of settling our differences.
Will there still be war when I get big?
I wish I could say "no", but I think there will still be war.
When I grow up, my friends and I will figure out how to make it better.
I know you will, honey. I know you will.

Blessed are you, Compassionate One, maker of peace.

This Week's Assignment: Take a Walk

2010-09-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

This week, we will do an experiment based on one of Bernadette Mayer's. Go outside, and take a walk. If you live in a city with blocks, walk 14 blocks, and write down a line for every block. If you are not in a city, establish an increment for yourself, and write down your lines accordingly.

Anaphora, sort of

2010-09-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

Please I Need Your Urgent Reply

Please I have been taken hostage
in another country Please my father
is the king Please I have lost everything
dear to me and am penniless Please
just a few moments of your time
Please I found your name only
among millions Please give
a little and your reward will
be tenfold, a thousandfold Please
I am holding out my hand to you
Please I am sending my last hopes
Please there are wolves and the trees
are rustling in the coming autumn Please
I need your urgent reply

I remember.

2010-09-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time I saw you,
how behind your head, I swear, the sun was coming up.
I remember the air in the room on fire.
I remember the tense glance, the longing look,
and I remember when she spilled ice cream, your tongue
against her shoulder, but your eyes fixed on mine.
I remember the smell of you in the morning,
and I remember that I was not afraid.
I remember your eyes drinking mine and your mouth
full of me,
and I remember being the most beautiful woman in the world.
I remember your hands, how soft,
and I remember finding softness inside you the first time
and recognizing you and recognizing me.
I remember the long nights, the long nights with you
and the long nights without you, waiting.
I remember the waiting, wanting,
and I remember the reuniting.
I remember the day in the woods, your eyes above mine
just like the sky and how you lay down your coat for me,
and I remember the anticipation between the phone call
and the meeting, the first kiss after a span of time
and how it was always so easy. Why can't it be so easy?
I remember the shape of your lips saying, wife,
and I remember the glow in the morning.
I remember imagining the years to come, the child
and the rooms we would make.
And then, I remember the unraveling
and the days when it felt the pins had come undone,
and I remember lying with my hand against your chest,
counting your breaths in a silent prayer -
Do not die. Please do not die.
I remember your back, turned to me,
and your mouth formed against me
and the knocking on the door, the handcuffs,
and the girl in the front yard.
I remember being very much afraid.
I remember when the lights went off,
when the windows were all broken,
when the bandits took over the house.
I remember the blood, the resurrection,
the tidal push and pull.
And finally, I remembered the girl with the long ponytail,
the diamond that she carried at the center of her heart.
I remembered to begin to protect her again.
I remembered her blanket, her bed, her body,
and I washed her face,
wrapped her up,
and sent her away.

For the unborn, whom I loved

2010-09-17T06:03:00.000-07:00

Where death can speak I cannot help but hear.
Where woe can sing I cannot help but join.
Though rough and tumble with the pain of grace,
My thoughts are with the always distant day.
And were I more than I could be, I am
Simply too far away to grieve in peace.
But heart hold not what love you've shed until
You rest and see divine allowance in
This masterpiece of greater knowledge and
The hope that in the knitting comes purpose.
Shed the expectation. Shed the heartfelt
Cries for the afternoons that never were.
Give your tongue to praise of the intention,
The intervention, the massive and the
Horrifying contravention: Be still.

Pleiades Meditation

2010-09-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

Only on the darkest of winter nights
can one find the sky's daughters,
clustered like so many biddies

leaning together for just one

juicy morsel of useless gossip,

hidden between a hunter's legs.

At times it is as if You are

as cold and as distant as they,

beyond our scope of vision.

Despite the belying of the senses

which are more often than not

our betrayers,

You lie in wait with baited breath

as if You ever had any...

(Ah yes, at one time You stooped below

and filled lungs with the wail

that all creation takes

at existence's entrance.

Then You knew that fate

to which You had assigned us

that fights for every gulp of oxygen.)

...for Galileo's moment of discovery

as he myopically peers through lenses

made from broken glass.

2010-09-15T19:15:00.001-07:00

Creeping on tiptoe
and shouting echoes into the canyons.
Hold my hand, walk with me.
Step through the shadows of the valley.
Aimless wanderings through deserts,
swimming against currents.
The tide has turned,
but the water is calm and still.

Week 5: Mix and Match

2010-09-15T05:51:00.001-07:00

Pick a topic from List 1.
Pick a form from List 2 (don't worry, they're linked to explanations!).
Stretch your muscles a little this week and get out of your poetic comfort zone.

And, if you're really daring -- roll two dice and commit yourself to writing what comes up.

List One: Topics

1. Nature
2. Love
3. Death
4. Shapes
5. Religion
6. Science

List Two: Poetic Forms

1. Pleiades
2. Cinquain
3. Sonnet (Your choice of Shakespearian or Petrarchan!)
4. Burmese Climbing Rhyme or Haiku
5. Prose Poem
6. Anaphora

first dance

2010-09-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

It's dark.
Maybe a lamp is on in the corner.
There are so many kids crammed into such a small space, it's hard to tell the light is on.
Richard Marx's is playing on the radio. What was that song?
Oh yeah...how appropriate.
"Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks, I'll be right here waiting for you."
I can't believe he is dancing with her.
Well I guess I can, she is in the eighth grade.
But I am the one holding the red heart shaped pipe cleaner.
I think I'll keep it forever.
He gave it to Me, so why is he dancing with Her?
So far the 7th grade sucks.
It's another slow song, my heart is racing.
I am so sweaty.
I think I might die if he does not ask me to dance.
"that's why I'm starting with me, I'm starting with the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways, no message could be any clearer"
He is asking me to dance.
I don't die.
This is awesome.
I will never forget this.
I think I love him.
Take that Colleen!

First Steps

2010-09-14T06:07:00.000-07:00

Life in its entirety
Bound by endless chaos
Staring down its casualty
Ready for another loss

Marked by masks of misconception
She’s left tirelessly gasping for air
Point her to the right direction
To take it on her own she won’t dare

The way seems painful and dark
Whispered truths silenced by fear
It’s the path of a question mark
A blind journey through the unclear

She braces for head-on collision
Steps forward toward restoration
Learning it’s an everyday decision
To walk away from further damnation

Step six

2010-09-11T23:43:00.000-07:00

I . . .
well, I think we can make it.
We certainly should try.
You step down
I'll step up and
we'll get there

somehow.

The world is our playground.
Please don't think I'm being flippant.
It's just that . . . . I can finally breathe again.

Let's
break
this
down.

I love you.
I worked really hard to get where I'm going.
You think I should breathe more.
So, I'm trying.

I would have never let go of the steering wheel if it weren't for you.

Oh God, thank you.
for forcing me down
for closing my eyes
so I could really open them.

It's beautiful

Beautiful.
Yes.

Fine.

2010-09-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

From one, still point, there are infinite directions.
Ascent, descent. Right, left. Whatever
decision, whatever direction,
it could go either way.
"Do you trust me?" asked the mad man.
"No?" said the girl.
Let's sleep on it, and in the morning,
after church, but before the party,
we'll make the decision at last.
There was a sing-song quality
to the voice, and laying out the bits of paper,
the lace and beads and glue,
she knew that no matter what was next,
she would be fine.

Second Marriage Getaway Car

2010-09-11T18:10:00.000-07:00

You’ll give the jeep the name of a schoolgirl
and paint her engine red. In the parking lot
you leave a playing card, a heart for someones’ dashboard,
the way a serial killer or monogamist might

attempt at getting caught. Summer will become fire
truck scarlet somewhere else, but next to her,
can’t get next to you, the radio had its way
of always complaining. Your valley became
ill with bad plumbing and stagnant wells
or will simply be sick of you, that old house balanced there
on the hill, above a mysterious brown trickle.

One day a man with rolled sleeves
shows up on the doorstep, delivering
knock-off filet mignon from the back
of a milk truck, and you’ll be like an ambulance
driving badly, all the while hidden
in the back, on the inside, all of this
trying, against physics,
to patch the blood back in, to unstop
the sinewy organ that will all go wrong,
part again of the same dream in which you are

plastering over a blue-veined demon
of a snake, sealing it back inside of the tiled wall
from which it grows, wet and dreadful and still
until you’ll drive for months and there will be tracks
in snow along the sidewalks, salted into slush
that by summer will steam the valley into haunting mist
around hairpin curves. You’ll be back

in the HOV lane alone and steering
through the silvery light where your death is that slowly
developing photograph you’ll try
ruining in the wind, stripping
yet another set of gears
until all that’s done is done.

Life-stepping

2010-09-11T12:04:00.001-07:00

Step one: Grow up traumatised.
Step two: Build a normal life.
Step three: Marry a stable guy.
Step four: Tear it all down and start over.
Step five: Die traumatised.

A Simple Shift

2010-09-11T06:14:00.000-07:00

Footprints of a life on my chest, suffocating me.
heavy souled boots.

I lie on the floor looking down at my body
and up at you. Immobilized just for now.

Forty years. Forty steps.
and I still love.

I roll over, use the strength
of my arms, and raise myself.

I am one and always one.
I am still beauty, still.

In nothing but a simple shift,
I stand before myself. and begin.

I walk with the conviction
of someone freshly robbed
and lightly beaten. Like someone
testing each piece of driftwood on the beach
for before going forward. I walk
not needing or wanting to look back.

I am new and always new.

I am.

not the footprints of a life.

The First Step

2010-09-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

She was strange, with her strangeness
pulled out before them,
crumpled tissues in her bag
and spilling on the floor.
Nobody gave permission, but it seemed
unfriendly, and all the words had Latin roots.
Stubbornly, without consequence,
the elephant on the staircase
made his move. There was an orange syringe,
and God heard a strange voice.
We might have thought of that before
the bodies that lie down.

Staggering through Unfamiliar Territory

2010-09-10T17:25:00.000-07:00

One foot in front of the other.
Steady, girl -
Watch out for the hazards.
It'd be easier, I know,
if they were always the same.

But the rocks and roots and holes
That can trip you up
Are as varied and numerous as the
Routes in and out
of this desert wilderness.

The map isn't clear.
No way to tell if
today this step
will be okay.
Or will be the thing that causes you to stumble

Down the rabbit hole again.

So it's okay to go slow.
To take your time.
To be terrified of
landscapes that aren't yet familiar.

It's okay to trip.
Okay to fall.
But you can't stay on the ground.

Because, kid -
You'll never get out of here
if you don't put

One foot in front of the other.

Week 4: Steps

2010-09-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

This week's theme is: Steps. Now go write some poetry!

Love Song for Amelia

2010-09-08T13:24:00.001-07:00

It's all her fault.
She dragged you into it.
Without me, you never would have gone there.
It's water under the bridge now.
Marriage. Divorce. Addiction problems.
I absolutely love her.
It's her latest attempt to tackle the problem,
which she has blamed on the devil.
He says he wants to end their marriage to save her.
She thinks that's rather dramatic,
but she's trying everything to relieve boredom.
I don't know what your name is.
She is even slapping poor strangers coming
to her rescue on the street,
and she can't remember doing it.
Her mother tried to stop her troubled daughter's descent,
but it was too late.
And then, this artist
was hoping for the greatest recovery of her life.
She's on the right road.
She is loved and looked after.
It is evident in her performance.
The last six months have been remarkable,
and you can see the color is returning.
It is nothing short of a miracle.

L'shanah tovah - A Google Poem for the New Year

2010-09-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

News for Rosh Hashanah: Admit the angels! (Securing Israel critical for peace, says Barack Obama.)

The "head of the year" falls on the first and second days of Tishri/Tishrei (which is not the first month) which falls in autumn on the secular calendar (in the US; in Australia, Tishrei is springtime. Say Amen).

Hear the shofar (blessings for children, turn the page)

You may know all about it , or you may just think you do (apples and honey).

We're gonna party like it's 5771 (in your social circle).

Is anybody Jewish here? (security for your High Holiday services, reasonable cost, please schedule in advance, demand is higher than ever)

Going home for Rosh Hashanah (ride needed, must arrive by sundown, can pay for gas and tolls).

Jewish girls and women, fulfill your obligation to light candles for Yom Tov (Chabad welcomes everyone to worship for Yamim Nora'im).

Rosh Hashanah recipes (feeling stressed? 10 ways to unwind before the company arrives).

What to say to you Jewish friends on Rosh Hashanah (May you be sealed in the book of life for a sweet year).

You

2010-09-08T06:39:00.000-07:00

In order to get to you, individually,
I must talk in the first person.
I have to get you to drop modesty.
I need to tell you goodnight.
America supports you.
Have you recently been called a geek?
We are making sure you have access.
You are not a gadget.
Are you ready?
Grace to you.
It's all about you.
If you think it can't affect you, your family,
and your friends, your are sadly mistaken.
You're all I think about.
Thank you for smoking.
What would you do?
Fuck you, penguin.
I will teach you to be rich.
You look nice today.
Do you feel it?
Can you run it?
Did you know?
Stop, you're killing me!
You're going to love it.
This will destroy you.
Thank you.

Insecurity

2010-09-08T05:25:00.000-07:00

Within these walls I feel safe

From their stares and their glares to all that I compare

It’s a quiet spot from where I can dream

It hasn’t always been this way

And in my heart I sense an ache for sight of the foreign landscape

Their smiles and comforts and strength

Within these walls I am captive

To disparity, singularity, and creativity

I am a stranger to myself and the world around me

merely fact, mere facts, none of the above, all of the above

2010-09-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

Bed Bugs: For Pest Control Operators

Hi, there. This is sort of multi-genre. Sorry it’s taken so long. I was excited when I saw the “numbers” assignment because really I was cheating and had already been working on the statistical nightmare that follows. Then I saw the Google assignment and was even more excited that I could doubly cheat! (Parenthetically, I didn’t include this fact, but it’s hot off the presses that the Google offices in NYC are infested with bedbugs. The moderator at bedbugger.com says that between the fact that 1) bedbugs are all over the Google search engine these days and 2) the fact that they’ve also recently infested the NYC 311 offices – which people call in order to register complaints about bedbugs, she now thinks, “now it seems like the bed bugs are trying to be funny.”

I still have to try the Google thing for real, though. I think something great would come of it.

Enjoy! Here's the "poem":

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fact: most residential dwellings in New York City have had bed bugs, 1

which smell sweet, like rotting raspberries 2

Fact: A foul, rotting, bloody-meat smell might be present in heavily infested areas. 3

Fact: they emit a “mintyness” -- freshness like cilantro.

Fact: they smell spicy like coriander.

Coriander (Coriandrum sativum L.) is an annual herb that belongs to the carrot family (Umbelliferae). The unripe fruits have a smell that has been compared to that of bedbugs. 4

Fact: I am hurting, furthermore, for curried meats, for a tangy sorbet.

Fact: bedbugs are nutty in scent, like an almond. 5

Fact: bedbugs smell like nothing except

to other bedbugs, and only when they are afraid

or aroused or have

prolifically defecated – except

when the infestation is

astounding. Fact: I say I am bloody hungry. 6

Fact: twelve pounds is a lot

for a 123-lb. woman

to lose in a period

of time shorter than two weeks. 7

Fact: I haven’t sat down in months. 7

Fact: the man on the phone promises me

it will work, will be worth

what I am paying him for. All you have to do,

he says, is first run everything possible through the dryer,

wiping down everything else (shampoo and lotion bottles, et cetera).

with rubbing alcohol. Then keep everything sealed in plastic,

when not in use, for a period of at least 3 months. That’s all. 7

Fact: bedbugs harbor pathogens in and on their bodies

but they are yet to be found

to carry disease to humans. 8

2008. Fact: news from Mayor Bloomberg’s office has had it

that bedbugs are not a health concern. 9

(Fact: severe anemia from bedbugs only happens in young children and the elderly,

and they are either barely born or nearly dead, so what the hell does it matter?) 10

Fact: in 2009, Bloomberg signed the legislation anyway. 11

Fact: It is 2010. City Councilwoman Gale Brewer says to us, The mayor has many friends who have bed bugs. He tells me, “Gail, all my friends have bed bugs what am I going to do?” So the fact of the matter is...it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor or if you're middle class, you have bed bugs. 12

Fact: a bedbug can hide in a crevice the width of a credit card, 13

the width of a Metrocard,

the dimension of money.

They hitch rides at night in taxis from Brooklyn to Harlem to your dreams.

Fact Fact Fact.

Fact: most people have an allergic reaction when bitten by a bedbug. 14

Fact: most people have no reaction whatsoever. 15

Fact: you should never take discarded items into your home. 16

However, when it comes to buying second-hand items, it is merely suggested that you “inspect” them. 17

Fact: when asked what is being done about bedbugs in his store, a Salvation Army employee said he “didn’t want to talk about it.” 18

Fact: it can take a trained professional hours to inspect for bedbugs. 19

Fact: a bedbug egg is 1/16 of an inch in diameter, and a newly hatched bug is half that size.

The eggs are tiny, whitish, and hard to see on most surfaces without magnification (individual eggs are about the size of a dust speck. When first laid, the eggs are sticky, causing them to adhere to surfaces. Newly hatched nymphs are straw-colored and no bigger than a pinhead. 20

Fact: bedbugs can go 6 months without a meal. 21

Fact: bed bugs may be able to live 6-12 months without food and can survive in infrequently-used hotel rooms or vacant apartment buildings until occupied by an unfortunate victim. 22

Fact: my favorite flavor is chocolate.

Fact: being a renter in NYC means

not only being vulnerable

to a horrifying range of pest infestations

but also

generally means paying more than $1000

for a place to live

each month,

for the rest of your life.

Fact: being a homeowner in NYC means

not only being vulnerable

to a horrifying range of pest infestations

but also

generally means paying more than $1000

or a place to live

each month,

for thirty years

or until you die,

possibly of premature causes,

(whichever comes first).

Fact: a disclosure bill, requiring NY landlords to disclose a building's bedbug status for the previous calendar year to prospective tenants was approved in June 2010 and signed into law by September. 23

Fact: according to Aaron Shmulewitz, a real estate lawyer at Belkin Burden Wenig & Goldman who represents 300 Manhattan co-op and condo boards, “Most residential buildings in New York City have had bedbugs.” 24

Fact: in the five years leading up to 2009, Brooklyn is on record as having the highest number of 311 city call center complaints on file in New York City. 25

Fact: landlords in NYC are responsible for eradicating bedbugs in their buildings. 26

Fact: hiring a licensed professional qualified to successfully eradicate a bedbug infestation and prevent its spread throughout all floors of a 3-story home in Brooklyn (one of the most common types of houses found in the borough) can easily cost more than $4000. 27

Fact: in July 2010, the average home in Brooklyn that was described as a “house” sold for $529,244,

which, at an interest rate of about 6% could easily work out to something close to $3850 per month in mortgage payments alone. 28

Fact: the median household income for Brooklyn is below the national and New York state median household incomes. 29

Fact: in 2007, the median household income in Brooklyn was $40,942 2. Home affordability guidelines suggest that no more than 30% of household income be spent servicing a home loan. For the median Brooklyn household, this would have meant that a monthly mortgage payment should not have exceeded $1,023 using the 2007 average mortgage rate of 6.34%3. Combining this with 2007 property sales records, we can calculate that the median income household could have potentially afforded approximately [only] 7.91% of the homes and apartments sold in Brooklyn in all of 2007. 30

Fact: 35 percent [of Brooklyn residents live] in two- to four-family homes. 31

Fact: the average monthly 2010 rent for a 1-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn is $1920. 32

Fact: as of Jan. 20, 2010, Brooklyn foreclosures accounted for most of the more than 2,000 foreclosure filings in New York City's five boroughs in December, based on figures from a California-based research firm. 33

Fact: Blood spots might appear on bedding where a bedbug has been crushed. 34

Fact: It is very difficult to crush a bed bug in your sleep. 35

Fact: one problem with canine bedbug inspections is false positives. 36

Fact: a person whose property has bedbugs should always hire a professional to eliminate them. 37

Fact: one of the most well-regarded pest management professionals in the world, in the specialization of bedbugs, said (off the record, of course), “Self-treatment can work; give it some time and call me in a few months if you need to.” 38

Fact: bed bugs tended to avoid resting on pyrethroid-treated surfaces (unless there were harborage odors). 39

Fact: one study showed that pyrethroid products were not repellent to bed bugs and would not cause bed bug aggregations to scatter or avoid treated surfaces. 40

Fact: heat of 97 degrees F or higher will kill bedbugs. 41

Fact: a clothes dryer set to medium to high heat (120 degrees) for 10 to 20 minutes will kill bedbugs. 42

Fact: To kill bedbugs, you should put everything…in a warm dryer for an hour or a hot dryer for 60 minutes. Put things that can’t be heated in a freezer for two weeks. Everything else … inspect carefully! 43

Fact: Putting infested items out in temperatures of 32 degrees F for a couple of days should also do the trick! 44

Fact: Bed bugs and their eggs can be killed by very low temperatures, but it is difficult to achieve them without using a deep freezer. Temperatures below 0°F (-18 C) for one to two weeks are generally believed to be needed to reliably kill all life stages. 45

Fact: 14 percent of people in Cincinnati surveyed by the health department in 2008 reported that they (or someone they knew) had had problems with bedbugs. The percentage almost doubled the following year. 46

Fact: Orkin reports that the highest number of bedbug-related service calls in the nation come from Cincinnati (followed by Columbus, Chicago, Denver and Detroit). 47

Fact: Terminix reports that New York, Philadelphia, Detroit, and Cincinnati, are, in that order, the cities in the nation from which the largest number of bedbug-related calls originate. 48

Fact: in the summer of 2010, Columbus, Ohio was named the most bedbug-infested city in North America. 49

Fact: The Limited, Inc. owns and operates Victoria's Secret; one of the stores in their “emerging brands” operating division includes Abercrombie & Fitch. 50

Fact: Hollister, in turn, is owned by Abercrombie & Fitch, which is owned by The Limited. 51

Fact: the address for The Limited is

Three Limited Parkway
P.O. Box 16000
Columbus, Ohio 43216 52

Fact: in NYC, Abercrombie and Fitch, Victoria's Secret, and Hollister –

all retailers of brand new clothing –

were briefly shut down in July of 2010

due to bedbug infestations.

Fact: the AMC Empire 25 was shut down

for the same reason

the following month. 53

Fact: Bed bugs cannot climb up slick surfaces like metal and glass, and such. 54

Fact: When many bedbugs are present and/or when surfaces such as fabric, wood, paper, etc. are unavailable, bedbugs will be found on metal, plastic, etc. 55

Fact: Pluto is not a planet. 56

Fact: Pluto is too a planet! 57

Fact: the year before all of this happened I had dated a man who, once upon a time, long before the resurgence of bedbugs in North America, had once packed up all of his things and moved across the country to be with a woman he had just met. The relationship that ensued lasted for twelve years.

Fact: six months after this same man had declared that he would love me for the rest of his life (but his plans to move in with me fell through) I found out that my house was infested. 58

Fact: a man who washes his hands frequently is unlikely to sleep in a bed that might have bugs in it.

Fact: I washed my hands so many times that winter that they bled, staining my sheets.

Fact: Antidepressants are used not only for anxiety but also obsessive-compulsive disorder. 59

Fact: a person who lives at least 100 miles from my house is eleven times more likely to know what I went through than someone living in the immediate tri-state metropolitan area.

Fact: sometimes I feel isolated and lonely.

Fact: I find people unbearable to be around.

Fact: Bedbugs can be found wherever humans are. 60

Bed Bugs: For Pest Control Operators

References

1. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/23/realestate/23cov.html?pagewanted=2

2. http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/article_30055d58-4621-5f94-ac62-9e28f6e4339b.html

3. http://www.ipm.ucdavis.edu/PMG/PESTNOTES/pn7454.html

4. http://www1.agric.gov.ab.ca/$department/deptdocs.nsf/all/agdex121

5. http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/article_30055d58-4621-5f94-ac62-9e28f6e4339b.html

6. http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/article_30055d58-4621-5f94-ac62-9e28f6e4339b.html

7. Fuck my life.

8. http://www.ca.uky.edu/entomology/entfacts/ef636.asp

9. http://www.aaafta.com/forum/current-events/29747-bedbugs-epidemic-increases.html

10. http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/181/5/287

11. http://newyorkvsbedbugs.org/2009/03/19/nycs-bed-bug-advisory-board-the-mayors-press-release/

12. http://brooklyn.ny1.com/content/news_beats/politics/122811/city-leaders-outline-new-bed-bug-fighting-strategy/

13. lancaster.unl.edu/pest/resources/263bedbg.pdf

14. http://newyorkvsbedbugs.org/2009/04/16/new-study-of-bed-bug-bites-suggests-most-people-do-react/

15. http://www.gabcast.com/gc1/index.php?a=episodes&id=1017&castPage=3

16. http://www.livescience.com/animals/090112-bed-bug-resistance.html

17. http://entomology.oregonstate.edu/sites/default/files/Bed_Bugs.pdf

18. http://bedbugger.com/2010/02/20/spread-bed-bugs-quickly-ask-me-how/

19. http://www.ca.uky.edu/entomology/entfacts/ef636.asp

20. http://www.ca.uky.edu/entomology/entfacts/ef636.asp

21. http://hubpages.com/hub/Bed-Bugs-Signs

22. lancaster.unl.edu/pest/resources/263bedbg.pdf

23. http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2010/08/30/new-york-governor-paterson-signs-bedbug-law/

24. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/23/realestate/23cov.html?pagewanted=2

25.http://www.brickunderground.com/blog/2009/07/bed_bug_hotspots_brooklyn_still_king_followed_by_upper_manhattan_and_uws

26. http://www.housingnyc.com/html/resources/hmc/sub2/art4.html

27. No, really. Fuck my life.

28. http://www.deptofnumbers.com/nyc/home-sales/brooklyn/

29. http://www.faqs.org/sec-filings/100106/Brooklyn-Federal-Bancorp-Inc_10-K/

30. http://www.deptofnumbers.com/nyc/home-sales/brooklyn/

31. http://www.ny.frb.org/regional/profile_nyc.html

32. http://www.tregny.com/content/rental_market_reports/march-2010-brooklyn-rental-market-report/

33. http://www.foreclosuredeals.com/wp/brooklyn-foreclosures-highest-among-nyc-borough-filings/

34. www.state.nj.us/health/eoh/phss/documents/bedbugfactsheet.pdf

35. Sean Rollo, entomologist, founder of thebedbugresource.com

http://bedbugger.com/forum/topic/photos-of-blood-smears

36. http://newyorkvsbedbugs.org/2009/04/19/qa-with-lou-sorkin/

37.http://www.nysipm.cornell.edu/publications/bed_bugs/files/caller_guidance.pdf

38. No, really…

39. http://newyorkvsbedbugs.org/2009/02/01/an-interview-with-bed-bug-researcher-alvaro-romero/

40. Activity of bifenthrin, chlorfenapyr, fipronil, and thiamethoxam against red imported fire ants (Hymenoptera: Formicidae).

B A Wiltz, D R Suiter and W A Gardner

J Eco Entomol 103:754 (2010) PMID 20568621

41. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bedbugs/DS00663/DSECTION=prevention (information corrected some time after I saw it and after several people on bedbugger.com posted complaints about the statement’s absurdity).

42. http://www.ca.uky.edu/entomology/entfacts/ef636.asp

43. http://www.nysipm.cornell.edu/whats_bugging_you/bed_bugs/bedbugs_faqs.asp

44. http://www.ipm.ucdavis.edu/PMG/PESTNOTES/pn7454.html

45. http://www.pctonline.com/Article.aspx?article_id=38047

46. http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20100824/NEWS01/8250326/We-re-No-1-uh-in-bedbugs

47. http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20100824/NEWS01/8250326/We-re-No-1-uh-in-bedbugs

48. http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20100824/NEWS01/8250326/We-re-No-1-uh-in-bedbugs

49. https://www.canada-bedbugs.com/10-most-bedbug-infested-cities/ , http://www.theepochtimes.com/n2/content/view/40283/

50. http://www.fundinguniverse.com/company-histories/The-Limited-Inc-Company-History.html

51. http://articles.latimes.com/2009/apr/24/business/fi-hollister24

52. http://www.fundinguniverse.com/company-histories/The-Limited-Inc-Company-History.html

53. http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20014216-10391704.html

54. www.ci.portland.me.us/hhs/hhsbedbugsmanual.pdf

55. www.hgic.umd.edu/content/documents/bedBugs.pdf

56. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/08/060824-pluto-planet.html

57. http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/080612-pluto-planet.html

58. Oh, fuck; I give up.

59. http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/abstract/142/5/572

60. www.hss.state.ak.us/DPH/PDFs/fs_BedBugs.pdf

Ode to Joy

2010-09-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

Joy is a delight of the mind.
The emotion evoked by well-being,
success,
good fortune
or by the prospect
of possessing what one desires:
delight,
gaiety,
a state of happiness
or felicity.
Bliss.

Joy's rugged and reliable equipment
keeps producing
at the lowest cost per ton
inspiration,
design,
style
& other cool things.
Exercise can co-exist with an element of joy.
And it's happening
in the basement of an old luggage factory
in Park Slope.
Joy carpets.

This is the true joy in life,
the being used for a purpose
recognized by yourself as a mighty one;
the being thoroughly worn out
before you are thrown on the scrap heap;
the being a force of Nature
instead of a feverish selfish little clod
of ailments
and grievances
complaining
that the world will not devote itself
to making you happy.

For ye are our glory and joy.
Who, for the joy that was set before him,
endured the cross,
despising the shame.

Unexpected Grief

2010-09-03T07:49:00.000-07:00

Reaction to a tragic loss?

Who would have ever thought a year ago
when I stepped into your office –
full of bravado, so sure that I didn’t need you or your help --
that I would ever grieve the day we said goodbye?

You told me in January that you’d be gone in August
But at that point, I couldn’t have cared.
At that point, you still hadn’t threatened to
Throw me off your service --
For noncompliance --
For a disease that raged underneath the surface,
which you felt unqualified to treat.

So I tried –
Complied –
Sure that somehow,
my compliance would negate your pregnancy
And we could keep counseling until I was well.
Or fixed.
Or something.

(denial)
I waited until the last possible moment
to get an appointment with the new counselor.
Ignoring your growing belly, your kindly reminders
that I needed to make an appointment -- with her.

(anger and bargaining)
Sometime this summer,
it hit.
And I prayed (whined),
reminding God that THIS is exactly the reason I don’t get attached.
People leave and it hurts like hell.
I make a deal with the snake in the tree and touch forbidden fruit.
Relapse is unproductive if your goal is recovery –
but helpful is your goal is avoiding pain.

(sadness)
I finally told you about the relapse,
about how I was pre-emptively grieving the loss.
You seemed surprised.
Hell, I was too.
The first time I shed a tear in your office,
We’re not talking about the suicide attempts,
the neglect or abuse of my past –
We’re talking about the day when I walk into the office
And you’re not there.

(acceptance)
In our last session,
you tell me you’re proud of me.
Of the progress I’ve made and the work I’ve put in.
I, who sat stoically on your couch for 12 months,
now cannot stop the tears.
I thank you, acknowledge the role you played in my recovery.
The role that you will continue to play, as so much of the voice in my head
is now your voice – encouraging, questioning, caring.

And in a step
that would have been too difficult a year ago,
I trust you
when you say that this season together was ordained –
and the next -- with her -- is, too.

Vomit.

2010-09-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

This kinda makes me nauseous, but I found it oddly amusing.

Forceful expulsion of the contents of one's stomach,
Rate my vomit,
Up through the esophagus,
Rats can't vomit,
List of 2819 disease causes of vomiting,
9 best vomit scenes on film,
Man jailed for intentional vomiting on Phillie's fans,
Also known as vomit assault,
How to remove vomit stains,
How to create space vomit,
How can whale vomit help me retire,
Victory in vomit!

Alphabet.

2010-08-31T20:20:00.000-07:00

(I stole Slinky's idea. I'm going through the alphabet of my search history. This is fun.)

Abundant life
Abraham and Isaac
A priest and a rabbi
Babies in suitcases
Bible scriptures for baby
Bear fruit
Charlotte organic delivery
Charlotte Sunday brunch
Charlotte zombie walk
Dead Snow
Discovering Jade
Entendre
Everything is beautiful
Early miscarriage
Feed my starving children
Flour
Fish sauce
Got a new Mac
Garden zombie
General Hospital Lauren
Housekeeping service
Hiddenite
How to install a window unit AC
I don't speak French in French
If you chop a snake in half
I can tell that we are gonna be friends
Judges 4:21
Jar lifter
Jung Redbook
Knock knock joke
Kwik Save boss
Knowing the shepherd
Last exorcism
Lorem ipsum
Lawyer North Carolina starting salary
Mac icons
Monsters of Folk
Mooresville
Nearest airport Sunnyvale
No love
Next Day
Ogle
Oil spill from space
One church
Poetry assignment
Proselyte
Painting tress in the distance
Quotes from Zombie Honeymoon
Question Mark
Quill
Redneck woman
Report spam
Rico suave
Sex offender registry
Scarlet begonias
Sweet potato pie
The Artist's Way
Taxidermy
Thai Palace
Unemployment
Unity in Christ
Ugly Americans
Very early miscarriage
Visiting Florence
Venice
Watermelons
Why anonymity?
Where do KC and JOJO go to church?
Xbox
Xanga
Xe
Your mama is so ugly
You are the food that I would eat
Young men will see visions
Zombie surprise party
Zombie lawn sculpture
Zion

God.

2010-08-31T17:29:00.000-07:00

God is the English name given to the singular,
omniscient being in deistic and theistic religions.
There are over six billion people in this world.
How can you know that God exists?
What is God really like?
We have proven the existence of God
by using scientific principles.
We have found 50 simple proofs
to show that God cannot exist.
God is imaginary.
God is real.
The Church of God has over 4 million members.
A heartfelt tale of inspiration, hope,
and redemption.
Landscape images, peaceful music,
and uplifting messages.
Repenting is easy. You are now
chatting with God.
God hates shrimp.
Why?
God is the oldest question.
What is God's name?
What in God's name?
God only works on Linux.
God loves you.
God, who also goes by the aliases Yahweh,
Allah and Jehovah to avoid debt collectors,
loves you.
Why won't God heal amputees?
You may feel God closest when you're hurting.
In the most difficult times,
you may be able to feel God's hand
moving.
You may feel God's hand
holding you.

A Journey Back in Time

2010-08-31T10:09:00.000-07:00

My life according to Google's toolbar history, oddly in order.
Some are not mine, but sadly most are.

babiesrus
amy winehouse tattoos
mintview women's care obgyn
cough medicine for pregnancy
allen tate realty
the buttercup stationary
nursing babies
who was voted off of american idol
personal finance
wicked the musical
farmers marker, charlotte, nc
janes addiction t-shirts
dallas willard
critics of dallas willard
rambo 2008 review-NOT MINE!
I have mold on my grill
cleaning mold growth on grill
lecto divina
critics of lectio divina
my toilet water is brown
what is the difference between where and were
how long to boil hot dogs
where does spongebob work
after spinach is thawed how long is it still good
u2 song lyrics
yew trees
dizziness
friendship school of charlotte
why is my furnace making a buzzing sound
charlotte mecklenburg schools
free bejeweled
can pzfatlzgraph go in the oven

***disclaimer-I know this seems like an exercise from facebook...understood.***

Sleep Number

2010-08-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

It’s not just a bed
this is going to bring your sleeping to a whole other level
And I believe it .
Better than the sleep I get while on the 2 or 3 train. Better than keeping 1 eye open waiting for the battery lady to get 2 double A’s for my duct tape walkman mixed tape Mondays. Better than all that mess.

Husband.

2010-08-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

A husband is a male participant in a marriage.
A married man.
There is no one-size-fits-all formula
for being a wonderful husband.
I've been surprised by the number of times
people will search "annoying husband"
or "My husband is annoying."
Whether you are a husband looking for advice
or a woman looking for the perfect husband,
this is the place to be.
Tell your husband you are leaving for a couple of days,
and then wait, listen, and watch.
You married your husband for a reason
and committed to spending your life with him.
You have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach.
Something is not right,
but you can't figure it out.
The position of the husband in the home
and his responsibilities to his family
are quite clearly defined.
Encourage your husband to reduce expenses
and save money.
Place a long-recording digital tape recorder
under your husband's car seat.
A couple goes into an art gallery.
They find a picture of a naked woman
with her privates covered only with leaves.
Monitor your husband's cell phone.
Press as many buttons in his call log to notice
any strange numbers.
There are 7 signs your husband is cheating.
Be prepared.
This year, I realized more than ever
what had been missing.
It was you. It always was.
It always will be.

Week 3: Google.

2010-08-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

Your assignment this week is to write a Google poem. Pick a person, place, thing, or idea, and Google it. Create a poem based on what you find.

His Banner Over Me

2010-08-30T04:54:00.000-07:00

You are the Potter and I am the Clay
Have your way with me

Short shallow breathes
Sobbing swollen eyes
Long labored inhales

An aching heart
A battered ego
Such murky waters

Forgiveness out of nowhere
Telling them all to leave by name
Freedom and Light

My deliverance

Having been molded by the Potter
I am a new shape
My path forever changed

I am my Beloveds and He is mine. His Banner over me His love.

Altared

2010-08-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

We were married in a pool of winter sunlight.
Warm and unexpected,
a gift in a dark season.

Too young to know we should have gathered the sunbeams,
we broke the glass instead of filling it with gold.
We carried the darkness with us
over the threshold

and into ourselves.

On My Altar

2010-08-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

Buddha sits, belly rounded with laughter.

I bargained for him fiercely,

pinned beneath an angry sun.

The hot dust sticking in my throat

tasted of sandalwood and poor men's bones

and a camel leered at me, salivating.

(as camels do)

I wanted something to take home,

to say: I have been here,

poised on the knife's edge

that cuts the breathless heights

and divides civilized from un- so clearly

you can see it from the mountains of the moon.

(swirling in clouds)

There were folding tables:

cheap formica on uneven metal legs;

They belonged in my grandmother's backyard

holding up translucent domes of jello

with improbable bits of canned fruit salad

floating, like maraschino cherry stars.

(but not here)

Merchants leaned over them

in the shade of crudely improvised tents --

flowered bed sheets on swaying mazes of uneven metal poles --

their voices rang crazed and desperate,

as they offered up their sacrifices:

incense, orange soda, t-shirts, cheap souvenirs in tiny boxes lined with silk...

(like my Buddha)

No, five yuan is too much.

There are a hundred other tables.

There are infinite Buddhas.

And I do not trust his brown plastic stand

or his sleek, manufactured shine.

I am sure that is not jade.

(I'm in love)

No, no, no, lady! Don't go.

Pretty foreign lady. Golden lady.

Throw a poor man a dollar.

Four yuan. A single dollar.

So little to you. So much to me.

For a Buddha made of jade.

(no, not jade)

In the sighing coolness of a tourist bus,

his smooth heaviness cradled in my damp palm,

we rushed away from ancient battlements

winding sinuous through the miles of mountains,

built -- brick by brick -- by thousands of hands long dead:

protection from a vanished enemy.

(hordes of ghosts.)

Twenty years, ensconced on various altars, he surveys:

the peeling wallpaper, the teen's posters,

the dorm rooms, the cheap apartments, the true homes.

The boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, husband, children.

The parade of other possessions dancing by

straight into the arms of Salvation Army truck drivers.

(and Buddha laughs)

Home

2010-08-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

Lay these bones by the bay,
where the fiddler crabs scuttle
and the salty air is tinged with marsh mud.

Make a skeleton altar
where the gulls' cries interlope with
gentle waves lapping grains of sand.

Time starts and stops here;
this is home.

Love Affair

2010-08-26T18:28:00.000-07:00

I know I've been unfaithful.

I know I've been so ridiculously

inconsistent and untrue.

I haven't hidden my faults from you

my mistakes,

my ugliness.

I've tried, but unfortunately I can't.

It is impossible to fool you.

To hide from you.

You know me so well.

You have taken me back

Open arms

Arms wide opened, with a level of forgiveness

that my mind can't

comprehend.

Waiting as I sob and beg;

Begged for another chance

I don't have to beg, but I feel inclined to do so

I feel obligated.

Because I know that I don't deserve you

I don't deserve your grace,

love,

forgiveness.

I don't deserve your selflessness.

I know I take you for granted

And I can't help but realize that

this is a dysfunctional relationship

One that you should probably walk away from

A relationship between two different beings

With different natures, different levels of loyalty;

a very unbalanced exchange of commitment.

But you don't walk away.

You stay.

You endure.

You wait.

And gently bring me back.

Over again.

Countless times you've pulled me back.

I am fully aware that actions speak louder than words.

But, I want you to know that I love you, Lord.

More than my words can express.

But I know you see the depths of my soul;

Beyond my junk, my mistakes, my scar tissue,

and whatever else I have exposed my precious soul to;

I know you see my heart, my love, my human commitment.

You don't have to say it back.

I already know.

I already know that your love is unfailing.

You've proven that to me.

So, I'm continuing to fight for us.

I'm pushing myself beyond my human nature,

with your help, of course,

so that you can see that...

I am trying.

Each day is a battle, but I am trying.

and I want you to know that I won't give up on

us; or our love.

It is my life.

The Altar of Perfection

2010-08-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

It has to be Epic.
Glorious
Full of splendor
And splendid.

But I fail every time.

It's just not good enough.
(I'm not good enough.)
(I'm not good enough.)

It's all wrong.
I built it
too hastily
too carefully

too long
too short

too wordy
too foolish.

Lie to me.
Tell me you like it.
I'll believe you.
I'll eat it up.

Here I Am.

2010-08-25T00:13:00.000-07:00

My boy, your mother laughed into herself
when she heard you would be coming.
What would I tell her now?
As I look into your eyes,
I think of how I've loved you.
I wonder if this look will be the last,
or if he'll let you off my hook.
There's no one else I love enough
but you - but without him, you're not.
I'm not. We're nothing.
I do not understand, and yet,
this morning I submit.
I packed you like my donkey,
and here, unbasketed, unfurled,
I stretch you out upon this altar
and make a gift of my whole world.

Week 2: Altars.

2010-08-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

This week's theme is "altars."

Create a monument to commemorate your deliverance, your blessings, your curses, divine provision or improvisation, your bests, your worsts, your important times and places and people and ideas.

Vital Signs

2010-08-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

Respirations 4 to 8 per minute, Doctor.

So slow, chest rising, catching,
pausing, resuming, limping, chasing

My hand on her wrist
Wait

Still watching her chest shudder, pause
perhaps this time? no, rising again

My fingers search
Gentle, probing, searching

Apical heart rate 38, Doctor. Do you want to do something?

Yes, I do.
I lift my hand off the pulse that is no longer there
And place it over hers.

I stop measuring, and start being.

Divided

2010-08-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

Divided

I am a raw nerve
I am a swollen eye
I am a bloody wound
I am a bruised limb
I am the sum of us – minus me
Divided by 1 year and 7 months,
Times a thousands volts of pain.

I am a silent scream
You are the deaf ear
I am the question,
The puzzle,
The repeating decimal
On and on ad nauseam …

I have a fraction of you,
I want the whole.
You are the hard surface
And the fragile belly.
I am 150 beats per minute behind
Steady hands.
I am the unflinching 20/20 eye
That watches you, watching me
Fall apart.

Light-year

2010-08-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

I am lathered in amniotic tears
as the 30 years of miles between
your world's entrance
and the homeward journey
wrack themselves up....

I told you that I missed you,
not them,
but you...

Do you ever crave
the holding of my hand
when you cross the street?

90 miles might as well be
5,878,000,000,000
for all I have is
the glimmer of starlight
to remember you by.

3 MORE DAYS

2010-08-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

We want to watch a movie. (fine)
Get me a drink. (a please would be nice)
Can we have popcorn? (you just ate)

"bark"
-take the dog out-

Don't jump on the couch. (I used to have nice things)
Please don't spill that.
Stop touching your brother. (100x a day-at least)

I don't like this movie. (too bad)
He bit me! (I 'm sure you deserved it)

Give him his toy back.
Don't bite your sister.

"bark"
-What-you were just out?-

Guys just sit & watch your movie. (some days, I feel like selling them to Gypsy's)

"bark"
-feed the dog & refill water bowl-

PLEASE stop jumping on the couch!

CRACK!
Broken bowl, popcorn kernels everywhere. (seriously)

I asked you to STOP jumping.
Look at this mess.

"bark"

I SWEAR this dog, these kids, WHAT?

What do you want dog?
What do you want kids?
Do you know what I want...School to start!...ONLY 3 MORE DAYS!

Gossamer (a haiku)

2010-08-22T21:24:00.001-07:00

Soaring higher still,
You are my gossamer wings,
Seamless ascension.

I Am

2010-08-22T06:48:00.000-07:00

Pulling colored scarves from my mouth
like a magician. From the depth of
my diaphragm, they come. Only,
it’s not magic.

It’s a loss of words. A
once was. Speechless.

Drawing in the sand with
my finger. Lingering in its quick
ability to lose form. Sand falling
in on itself.

I am alone in a state of grace.

Quiet fills my ears.

I don’t know what
I don’t know.

Booked between
two hard covers.
I am written.

My Former Friend

2010-08-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

2 years since the last time
another 3 till
I'll get over this hump
and how you made me feel
It all started out
as just a cheap thrill
Then weakness took over
but with strength that could kill

4 hours and counting
I cant seem to sleep
Desire so strong
I fall to my knees
Emotions take over
and I start to cry
How many more tears
till I can look to the sky

Assumptions so bold
and inhumanly cold
Another 3 years
till I reach my goal
The real question is
How do I do it?
Some may say
that there's nothing to it

But between you and I
that's all just a lie
They don't understand
Cuz they don't know what it's like
I'd like to see them try
to crumple up their life
Throw it all away
in the blink of an eye

Then piece it back together
as if everything was fine
Take it back away from you
like I'm trying to do with mine
Make something out of it
besides devoting all to you
I'm just counting down the time
till I've completely pulled it through

Halves.

2010-08-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

If we cut the earthworm
in two pieces,
we might get two whole worms.
We might get one live worm
after the head grows back,
but the stress of being chopped in two
may kill both halves.

*

A slice of watermelon
has long been a summer staple,
but recent studies have suggested
that the juicy fruit
may stimulate libido.
You and your loved one can cut
into a cool slice and share
its amazing side effects.

*

Do not try to frighten, catch, or track
a snake.
If you find a snake,
back away from it.
Do not try to touch it,
even if it appears to be harmless
or dead.
Even the severed heads
of dead snakes
can deliver venom
through their fangs.

*

If half of you is me,
and half of me is you,
what happens to you
happens to me, too.

Deception.

2010-08-20T13:21:00.000-07:00

These days pass slowly,
Never giving an opportunity for escape.
One day, twenty-four hours,
Only to start over again.

This shame is haunting,
Never allowing a moment of peace.
Seven days, one week,
And tomorrow will start another.

The secret is devastating,
Never providing an ease of pain.
Four weeks, one month,
And the hole only grows deeper.

Hours, days, weeks, and months,
Never admitting the truth.
One life, many mistakes,
And who will understand them?

asheville 8-19-2010

2010-08-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

2 1/2 hours for the drive up
an attempt to show my devotion into the fallacy of intimacy
and for that you remind yourself why you fell in love with me

2 1/2 hours for the drive home
an attempt to maintain my life in light of the late hour
You ask me how long I have to go to be back where I was

I realize it takes the span of an evening
to go back where I was
and realize why I left in the first place.

Sprouting 2 very small poetry wings

2010-08-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

This is a stretch for me
everyone soon shall see

I am a little shy
about this poeTRY

I am so ashamed
I'm not even using my real name

This could be a disaster
or something I can truly master

Thinking this way is so new
thank you dear joy

2010-08-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

the one could mean so many things but what it means to me is the one right here in this moment it's where I'm meant to be.

Stats

2010-08-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

ninety eight point six
breathing out and breathing in
a pulse, a temp, alive

Fear and Sadness

2010-08-20T03:32:00.000-07:00

Watching a train wreck
Hurts.
Tears at my heart.
Screams in my head.
Don't look!
Stand back!
Get away!

Crying.
Sobbing.
Aching.
Letting go
again
and
again
and
again
and
again.

I hate this fucking disease.

Divided By...

2010-08-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

that's not what I said. what I said was...

are you even listening to me?!

that's not what I meant. what I meant was...

do you even understand where I'm coming from?!

that's not what I hoped. what I hoped was...

have you even sensed my disappointment?

that's not what I dreamed. what I dreamed was...

that's not what I dreamed. what I dreamed was...

that's not what I dreamed. what I dreamed was...

can you even join me in my dreams?!

that's not what I wanted. what I wanted was...

will you even meet me in the middle of what I can't have?

that's not what I said or meant or hoped or dreamed or wanted...

but here we are. connected by "i dos" and "i ams" and "i wills".

on good days that makes all the difference.

on bad days it doesn't mean a hill of beans.

and the love train we're on runs somewhere between the rails.

sometimes a rough rugged chug. others a streamlined express.

steadily moving down the track,

but not nearly as first class as I'd imagined.

that's not what I imagined. what I imagined was...

oh forget it. it's who we are.

and good, bad or ugly

I love who we are

I love us

I love you

dang it.

Ranidae

2010-08-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

Two big, round frog eyes
Breaking the water's surface
A stalker lurking

The Loser

2010-08-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

One fine day...
you'll see my face
you'll know you cant replace
One sweet day..
I'll break away
from this bed that you have made

It's not for me
This life you lead
it haunts my memories
Someday you'll see
The tragedy is how you treated me

Masterpiece...
You thought you'd make me
what you'd have me be
Now I see
You never were
Never good for me

It's not for me
This life you lead
it haunts my memories
Someday you'll see
the tragedy is how you treated me

Now you say...
You're sorry for
the things you've done to me
It's too late...
Cause from now on
you'll never get your way

Cause it's not for me
This life you lead
it haunts my memories
Someday you'll see
The tragedy was how you treated me

Itemized Bill

2010-08-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

I spent $63.17 at the Petsmart
to buy the filters and lights
for the aquarium
for our turtle.
(Who is now your turtle.)

I spent $32.87 at Food Lion
to buy groceries
for the week
expecting us to dine together.

I spent $46.43 at Gap
to buy you pants
and shirts
for your new job.

I spent two hours on Wednesday
debating what to do when
I found the e-mails and pictures
between you and she --
but I can't put a price on that.

There are a lot of things
I can't put a price on.

So you scoff,
but $142.47 doesn't even begin
to total
what you took from me.

Link List.

2010-08-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

If you'd like to be listed on our link list, email me your link, please.

Hey, Doc

2010-08-19T12:42:00.001-07:00

You wrote those numbers out
so flippantly

307.1

As if they didn't have the ability
to change my world in a moment.

As if they didn't have the ability
to define who I am.
Or was.
Or might be.

As if they won't follow me through
years of treatment
and recovery
and the aftermath of disease.

15 Minutes

2010-08-19T04:21:00.000-07:00

15 minutes 'til we have to go

make the sandwich, find the sneakers, brush the teeth, turn off the TV, did I tell you to turn off the TV?, put that in your bag, put the frog back where he belongs, didn't I tell you we had to leave?

15 minutes until dinner

except I forgot to start the rice, please set the table, clear the newspapers off before you set the table, no, not there, put them in the recycling bucket, the forks go on the left, we need napkins, is the rice ready yet?, take the carrots out of the fridge, get your shoes off the chair, didn't I tell you it was dinner time?

15 minutes until bed

you should already have brushed your teeth, I don't know where you left your book, aren't those pajamas dirty? what do you mean you left the other ones at camp? no, the dog can't sleep in your room tonight, because I said so, it's just about time for lights out, well, I'm sorry, you can finish that chapter tomorrow, turn the radio off, get back into bed, didn't I tell you I love you?

School Bus

2010-08-18T21:31:00.000-07:00

So, Mama,

so, yeah, so,

I may like Bus 30.

Because the only Old Bus

that I know I don't like

is Bus 35.
I may like Bus 30.

Hey, Mama,
like,

I've heard that some busses

smell weird.

They smell funny.

But not bad.

Not bad at all.

Yeah, cuz,

I know that Bus 30

is one of the Old Ones.

Bus 30.

Cuz, yeah, cuz

I've sawn...

When I went to

3rd

Grade

Summer School

I had

Bus 35.

And that was only an Old Bus.

Bus 35.

Cuz the bus makers,

yeah,

they make numbers.

Do you know what they

stand for?

They stand for

The Number

of that bus they invented.

If it's in the 2 digits

like 29 to 35...

Or something...

Then that's Old Ones.

Cuz, Mama,

like yeah,

like,

most new busses,

yeah, so Mama,
yeah,
so most new busses

have 3 digits.

Ten years...

2010-08-18T20:45:00.001-07:00

Ten years, four hours, and fifteen minutes ago you ended one life and changed the course of another.

Five years ago, I married your best friend.

Four days ago, I realised that I am the age you were when you stole yourself away from me.

Today, I am glad you came, and that you left.

Numbers.

2010-08-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

I counted back from 60,
thinking that if you would not kiss me
by the time I finished counting,
I'd turn out all the lights.
I made it all the way to 2,
and then, you pushed yourself against me.
I closed my eyes,
and felt my vision fading,
black to blue.

Week 1: Numbers.

2010-08-18T19:41:00.001-07:00

The theme for the first week is numbers. I'll be interested in seeing how that floats your boat.

Giving Poetry Another Try.

2010-08-18T19:36:00.001-07:00

Hi friends.

It's been awhile since I've written poetry. Over the last few months, I've mad a few halting efforts at picking it back up, but it's been a stilted, messy process.

I did my best and most prolific writing in school when I was surrounded by other writers who were sharing their work. I thought it might be fun to try to recreate that experience here, virtually.

Each week, I'll start us off by proposing a theme, and it will be our assignment for that week. If you want to write about it, go for it. If you don't, then wait until there's a theme you like, or write about something else...

Please suggest interesting themes if you have them as well!